My counsellor told me last week to write a letter to Ellen, and to be honest I forgot. She reminded me this week, and I told her I didn’t know what to say. I do now. I wrote this in my notes app, and the words flowed easier than I thought they would. So here you go <3
to ellen
it was sunny today. it was cold, but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. i could’ve forgotten about winter looming if not for my hands in my sleeves. all i could think while i waited for the bus was how comically insensitive it was. today has been one of the many days where i’ve not been able to fathom why the world hasn’t stopped. why the clocks haven’t frozen, why the sun has the nerve to show its face at all when you’re not there to look at it.
i talked to one of my coworkers today about christmas, how i ‘just wasn’t feeling it this year.’ she said it’s understandable, given the circumstances. but few understand the dread that i’ve felt every time i’ve walked past the christmas tree on campus, how strange every christmas song sounds. every melody seems insulting - why is anyone singing when you’re not there to hear it?
why have i had to serve food and smile at customers when i can’t come home to you? why do these people get to go about their days - why do i get to go about my day, when you don’t?
why is a question i know the answer to, but i don’t understand. i don’t understand why, when we shared the same dna, it was you that was sick. you, who didn’t have a bad bone in your body. you, one of the few people in the world who wanted nothing but my happiness. you, the only person around whom i got to just be. you, who held no grudges, who never let anything make you jaded. why wasn’t it me?
i wanted, desperately, to shoulder your burdens. in some weird twin-bond way, your pain was my pain too. i felt every blood test, every cannula, every rash as though it was mine. but why was it you who felt it for real? why could i shrug off the phantom pains and go to school? why didn’t you get to?
what a mad world this is. what a ridiculous world to seek a life in - one where i have to live FOR you instead of with you, where you’re ‘looking down on me’ rather than just a room away.
i miss you all the time. you were the best thing that will ever happen to me. i struck gold getting you as a sister. and for all the anger i feel at the universe, at least it gave me you. even for a short time.
all my love
abbie
Commentaires