a little context before you read - i wrote this on friday (or rather, saturday morning). so when i say ‘today’ i mean the 22nd march xx
before i begin, here’s a few fun dates for you:
2 years ago today was the beginning of the end. today, i finished my first year of uni (bar a couple of deadlines).
sometime at the end of october 2022, i was up at 4am in my uni accommodation that felt like a hotel, crying because i realised that going to uni this soon was a major mistake. that was when i wrote my very first blog post. today, i am up at 4am in my uni accommodation that doesn’t feel like a hotel but not quite like home either, crying just because i had a bad day.
finishing first year is not quite as exciting as i thought. i haven’t really had a ‘i’ve come so far’ moment yet. maybe i will when i feel a bit better. but i’ve realised now, there’s nothing between me and the 2nd anniversary. scary.
but this is quite a full circle moment. two years ago feels like a lifetime, but also like yesterday. the person i was two years ago feels so different. sometimes i wish i could travel back in time and give her a hug. but she would hate that, because she was a bit cynical, bless her.
and yet, even though my life is so different, i am still in my uni bedroom at 4am crying, and writing a blog. i’ve learned that grief really does haunt you when you least expect it.
my very first post was self-deprecating, scathing towards well-meaning people, and full of promises that i didn’t end up keeping. i’ve been mulling it over for a while, and i think this is going to be my last post on here, because i don’t have much else to talk about. i think this blog has served its purpose for me. so, in honour of my last post, i will try not to be self-deprecating or sceptical of anyone, and i’m not promising anything, because i don’t know what the future holds.
after the first anniversary, i decided i was going to, for lack of a better phrase, get my shit together. the hard pill to swallow was that this involved actually putting effort in. but i did, or at least i’d like to think so. it took a long summer, a lot of sleepless nights, and many difficult conversations with things i absolutely did not want to hear, but i think i managed.
i got through my 19th birthday (i think i’m going to experiment this year with not celebrating my 20th at all, just to see if that makes it a bit less painful). i had to have a lot of people tell me that i wasn’t a terrible person and no one resented my existence, but i processed the guilt somewhat. it’ll always be there. i’d still give everything i have to swap places, but i don’t hate myself so much anymore.
i’m actively trying to stop sweating the small stuff, the things i have no control over. it’s not really the kind of person i am, but i’m figuring out the things i actually can change instead. it’s a work in progress, but i haven’t dyed my hair since september and haven’t decided to chop it all off either, so a win is a win. the next step is not calling myself a failure when i don’t get a perfect grade on an assignment, or i make literally any mistake whatsoever (which i failed today, but that’s okay).
the most surprising thing was that the singular thing that stopped my anger at the world pretty much completely was going to a rage room and just going feral. it wasn’t like i wanted to keep all the anger, i just didn’t know what to do with it. i had no idea how to let it out. i didn’t know how to let go. turns out all i need is a baseball bat and some old TVs.
those were the three things i wanted to change in my life by the time i went back to uni, and i think it turned out okay.
i miss ellen every day. there isn’t a day where i don’t think of her - when the sun shines, and also when it doesn’t. i wish i knew another person who had lost a twin, so they could understand the agony of it, because no one really talks about how lonely it feels. one day.
i’m so unbelievably lucky though that even through the lowest points, i am surrounded by so much love. my family, biological and otherwise. my amazing friends. the people who i might not be as close to anymore, but i still wouldn’t be here without. i’m so grateful and i’ll continue being grateful. it’s a saving grace to have people in your corner.
i’ve made peace with the fact that i’m not a perfect person, but i still deserve to be here, and i’m still loved. i still believe that ellen’s around, and i hope i’m becoming a person that she’s proud of. that’s enough for me.
i started this blog to be able to get things off my chest that i’d been struggling to express, to help people understand how i was feeling, and also to try and help people who were also grieving feel a little more seen. i really hope i’ve been able to do that. thank you everyone who has read it, even though it’s been a little heavy at times. i always got really nervous before i posted these, but i always did think it might be worth it if it makes someone understand. i hope that’s been the case.
but like i said, i think it’s served its purpose, and i’ve been able to move past all the worst parts about grieving. i don’t think i need it anymore. it’s quite nice to be able to say that.
thank you all again for reading, it means more than you know. speak again soon <3
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