christmas used to be my favourite time of the year.
i was insufferable about it too. i’d listen to christmas music from september, and call anyone who disagreed with me a grinch. i’d write christmas cards for everyone i knew. i’d participate in secret santas with my friends and plan presents months in advance.
i loved the pure magic of it. i loved looking at all the lights outside people’s houses. i loved how much happier, and kinder, everyone seemed to be. more than anything, i loved our ‘bad taste’ christmas tree, filled with the ugliest, tackiest looking ornaments we could find. the highlight of the year, every year, was sometime in the middle of november when i’d come home from school and our tree would be up.
for the life of me, i didn’t understand why some people didn’t like christmas. now, i get it.
the best part of christmas for me was that even though every other special occasion was uncertain, for christmas, ellen would be home. even if she had to go back into hospital on boxing day, for the very least, my family would be together for two whole days.
it’s hard to celebrate christmas now knowing that my family will never be complete again.
ellen loved christmas. some of my best memories of her are during this time of year — of her hijacking the christmas tree with her own additions, chucking fake snowballs at anyone who walked past her hospital room. every christmas day i’d go downstairs and my mum would tell me she had to rewrap everyone’s presents at 4am because ellen wanted to see what everyone got.
she loved the lights, the music, the presents, all of it. the fact that it made her so happy made everything worth it. her absence is never more obvious, and heartbreaking, than during this time of year.
this is the second christmas without ellen. it’s the first one we’re actually celebrating since she passed away. how i feel about it changes by the hour. i’ve been avoiding everything christmas-related for the last month or so. one time i went to town and had to go home because i heard one christmas song in a shop and almost lost it. i haven’t been able to touch my advent calendar.
but a week or so ago, i came home from uni for the weekend and our bad taste tree was up again, along with every tacky decoration that i didn’t know i missed. and for the first time since ellen passed away, a little bit of the magic came back.
christmas will never be the same again. i’ll never have the same love for it that i once did — and maybe that’s simply a part of growing up, but i think most of it is out of grief. but despite being firmly against it for quite a while, i am kind of glad that we’re celebrating it again, mostly because ellen is probably furious that we haven’t been. but carrying on those traditions, and creating new ones, makes me feel a little bit closer to her.
i hope everyone has the christmas they deserve. and i wish all the best to everyone who is also grieving this time of year <3
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