If anyone asks what my favourite season is, I always tell them it’s autumn. Not too hot, not too cold. No hay fever, no sticky shirts, but also no frostbite. It’s felt different this year. Autumn has flown by and there hasn’t been that nice in between that I always appreciated. October was unbearably warm, and November is absolutely freezing. I try not to think about the weather too much if I’m not considering outfit options, because otherwise thinking about how it was 20 degrees in October makes me spiral.
Spiral.
I like that word. I use it frequently to describe my mental state, because I am not unfamiliar with the feeling of spiralling out. That’s another thing about autumn - for some reason, as much as I love to say it’s my favourite season for something as shallow as the weather, it’s horrible for just about everything else.
Every year since I was fourteen, the month of October has done a number on me. I always end the month feeling depressed. This year is no exception - except this year I do not have the comfort of my childhood bedroom. I am on a campus which I still feel like I’m just visiting even though I’ve lived here for a month. I am in a bedroom which feels like a hotel room. I still haven't settled, and at this point I don't think I will.
Anyone who knows me well enough knows that it’s always been my dream to go to University. There were goals after that, of course - at one point, I wanted to be a barrister. I wanted to be a politician for a bit. Now, I’m not sure, but I knew I wanted a degree. I wanted to learn, I wanted to live in a flat and survive on a diet of pot noodles. I have been doing that for the last month, but it’s not what I thought it would be.
I came to the realisation a couple of weeks ago that I may have jumped the gun coming here so close after Ellen’s death. It turns out (and this is painful to admit) that I’m just not ready.
To put it bluntly, it sucks.
I know why I wanted to go to uni so soon - it’s all the reasons I discussed in my previous post. Pride, the need to ‘prove people wrong.’
(These ‘people’ do not exist, by the way. Quite literally no one has ever doubted that I could go to uni. They’ve been rightly concerned that I may not be able to handle it when I have already been through so much change, which I twisted to fit my own narrative. My mind is a fun place).
I have started to realise that if I’m still grieving, and everything is still raw, then a tower block is not the right place to be. So I’ve made the decision to intermit, and try again next year.
Honestly, it’s one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made, and I feel much lighter now. Of course, I do feel a little trapped here while I’m still waiting for my request to be approved, but the thought that once it’s finally agreed, I’ll be able to go home, is keeping me going.
I’m quite proud of myself, actually. It’s rare that I’m proactive in situations like this. As I said, I’m familiar with the feeling of spiralling out, and my mind, particularly now, likes things that are familiar - I tend to wallow. But this is a step that I’ve taken, that is not the ‘done thing.’ And I haven’t particularly cared about any backlash, or opinions or judgements.
I’m putting myself first. It’s a nice feeling.
I’ll come back to Uni next year, and hopefully I’ll be in a better headspace. Until then, I am very excited to see the back of that campus, because truly I am so unhappy there.
That’s all I really have to say. I know that I haven’t really talked about Ellen in this post, but my grief is a big reason for this decision, and it’s part of my journey, so I think it’s important.
As a little side note, thank you all so much for your support on my last post - I really did not expect it to be so successful. It was honestly just going to be a one-off post for my thoughts that were too long-winded for Facebook, but seeing that so many people read it and resonated with it is very motivating.
And another, much more important side note:
If you want to see me and about seventeen other people take a 3k leisurely stroll (personally I am not a runner) around Castle Park to raise money for Colchester Children’s Services, please donate using the link below!
It has always been really important to us as a family to give back for all of the work that the Children’s Services put in to make sure Ellen was happy, healthy & thriving. She spent so much of her life there, and the community has become family.
Though it may just seem like a normal charity fun-run to most people, it means more to us than words could ever explain and it would be amazing if you guys could donate, even £1 - genuinely, every little helps. We are so excited to do this but we need your support!!!
Thank you
Love from Abbie
Xx
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