i’ve started paying attention to the sun more.
i’m trying to be more present in my own life. there are too many periods of time which i have no memory of, even though they were recent. whole days, sometimes whole weeks, where i cannot remember a thing i did. when i’m anxious (which is almost all the time) i experience a very strange sensation — when explaining it to other people i’ve described it as ‘floating’ but i don’t know if that’s the right word.
it feels as though my mind and my body are separate, and my body is not my own. there have been times where i’ve looked at myself in a mirror and have not been able to connect the dots that the face i’m looking at is mine. my movements are someone else’s, and i am just watching it all happen from somewhere distant.
at first it was quite pleasant — being able to let adrenaline take the reins and move my body on its own, to embrace the fog in my brain. and then, i became aware of it. and once i realised it was something i couldn’t just snap out of, it became jarring. scary, even.
so, i am trying to do something about it. it’s not easy, not by a long shot. but i’ve started by paying more attention to the sun.
my friends have laughed at how excited i am about sunsets. i’m sure everyone on my instagram is bored of me posting pictures of the same sky over and over again. yes, the sky is pretty - we don’t need to see it every day. but i do. it’s a reminder that everything ends. every day, no matter how difficult, will eventually draw to a close. but also a reminder that for every ending, there’s a new beginning - it’s not the last time i’ll ever see the sun.
it’s also a reminder that ellen is with me. and i truly do believe that she’s still around. in sunflowers, in all her favourite songs, when i’m in the living room and everyone is laughing about something completely ridiculous. and especially in sunsets. every evening i look at the sky and remember just how magical she was — and still is.
i don’t believe in god, but i believe in ellen.
i am grateful that i am now at a point where most times when i think of her, i feel nothing but happiness. where i'm simply thankful to have been a part of her life, and for her to still be a part of mine, in such a beautiful way.
sunsets, and nature in general, remind me to pay attention. it keeps the fog at bay, at least for a moment. and i'm sure there's a million different grounding techniques out there that i haven't tried, but this is my starting point; sticking with what i know.
it’s been a difficult week, for various reasons. but in this moment, the fog has lifted for a little while. i’m writing this on the bus to my friends’ house and the sun is beginning to set. maybe it’s just the grief talking, but i think it’s ellen’s way of telling me that i’ll be okay. <3
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